Control Issues Much?

So…a two and a half hour, late-evening nap on the couch means sleep has a hard time coming when one ultimately tries going to bed. So, hello, Computer.

Here goes post number 3/365!

I think it is safe to say that the root of my personal irritability over the course of my ENTIRE life boils down to the following: I am a control freak.

When the world around me doesn’t bend to my will…it sometimes makes me mind-bendingly crabby. Given I have five children, a spouse, a dog, a career – this can be a bit of an issue.

Child one through five isn’t behaving in the way in which I would like? Cranky. Spouse isn’t focusing on what I think is important? Cranky. And, don’t even get me started on the driving. Let’s just say…I am not a good passenger. Someone has an opinion different than my own? Sighhhh. Dog barks when someone comes to the door? Seriously, Jaxon?? Rain when I hoped for sun? Well, you get the idea.

Now, I admit, it sounds bad. And, it is. I mean, who do I think I am, right???? But, in my defence, I don’t think I’m alone… I’m pretty sure this is not a trait unique to me. As a matter of fact, I’m quite confident that I see this same personality flaw mirrored in many of the people I spend my time with. And, guess what? Control freak vs. Control freak = Conflict.

As I get older, though, I become more introspective. Whereas, before, I may have genuinely believed that I was always right and that people were, generally speaking, assholes…now, I can’t help but concede that the fact that people can be assholes is rather irrelevant. Yep. I think I’ll be quite brilliant if I live to a ripe old age.

Lately, my older, wiser self thinks a lot about how, no matter how much I wish I had the power, I absolutely cannot control people, places or things. (Ok, truth be told, a heroine in a novel I read recently shared that gem with me…but it stuck in my mind as something important.) But anyway, basically, all that frustration and crabbiness when the world doesn’t acquiesce to my bidding is a major energy waster. And the worst? I walk around all cranky and grouchy and tell myself it’s someone else’s fault: If Person X would just Action Y, I would not have to be so darn angry/sad/grouchy/mean. When, really, the one and only thing I actually have control over is how I react to the world around me.

Can you hear the trumpets playing??? Because that seems like a major epiphany to me…that warrants trumpets. No?

The thing is – even though, logically, I know the above to be true…it doesn’t always (and may not ever) translate into me serenely accepting that the chaos that surrounds me is not mine to tame. But, I’m working on it.

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